The Unexpected Interruption
Christmas Eve, 1980
I. Oh, Foggy Night
His festive shadow cast doubt on past glories.
“Why do good things get replaced by bad things?”
he muttered, sipping eggnog hotter than sense allowed.
The rearview mirror of his one-track mind
cracked beneath the pressure building in his sinuses since birth.
The eggnog wasn’t helping.
(call it congestion if that helps you sleep)
You have to understand,
Tom was never a glass-half-full
or half-empty kind of guy.
He simply drained whatever glass was in front of him,
drowning feelings like wishful coins
tossed into a well of obsolescent obedience.
His head throbbed—
Christmas music blaring from the TV.
The cheerful tunes swelled,
stirring half-remembered promises
he’d already forgiven himself for breaking.
His jowls strained to crack a smile.
They nearly succeeded
but were interrupted
by a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” he snorted.
(no response)
“Goddamnit,” he muttered,
in a reluctant return to bipedalism.
II. A Glimmer of Revelation
At that moment,
he realized his life had not been wasted,
despite what his inner voices had long suggested.
He turned in a flash,
epiphany in hand,
when a second knock
shocked his revelation.
He waddled to the door,
exhaled an imprisoned breath,
and let the cold in.
Nothing could have prepared him
for the unlikely (albeit obvious) visitor.
It was Santa Claus,
but not as you picture him.
In this iteration,
the gifting grifter is a 7-foot-tall penguin
with a twisted goatee
and a shotgun for an arm.
Tom burst into tears,
ending a drought
that had lasted 39 years.
The weight of his worries
leapt from his weary bones.
Fear melted away
like butter in a hot pan.
He suddenly remembered the smell
of his Nana’s French toast
as he fell back in his chair.
Santa strutted over
and sat on Tom’s lap.
They locked eyes.
Something long overdue
passed between them.
They kissed deeply,
and began activities unsanctioned
by the ancient laws of the Pole.
III. Naughty List, Revised
Their hearts grew jolly.
Tom was rounding second base
when Mrs. Claus walked in,
appalled by the dorm-room display of affection.
Santa and Tom froze,
caught mid-reverie.
Mrs. Claus chastised them
for hoarding the sacred spirit of the season,
and for failing to extend an invitation.
She cracked wise
about the naughty list.
They all erupted into laughter
like a herd of tipsy reindeer.
Outside, the snow kept falling,
the eggnog boiled over…
none of them noticed.